It's been 4 years, isn't it?

June 8th 2015, on the way back home.

August 18^th, 2017 4:50 PM

Hello, how are you? It was a rough semester for me here. Stayed up all night 3 days for a task, it was my mistake tho, I didn’t do it in my non-hectic days. I played dota too much I guess. How’s life? Are you doing well there? It’s been a long day since our last conversation. A real conversation. I got a movie recommendation I wished you could watch, The Wind Rises a 2013 Ghibli movie about an engineer who dreamed to make his how plane. He met someone at a train when he was going to work, she catch his hat which wind blew it to her. He fell in love with her since that day she catch his hat and She fell in love with him since the wind brought him to her. Later, while trying to turn his dream into reality, He married her. But he was stupid enough, He was chasing his dream too hard until he forgets that he was someone else’s dream. Her dream. Watch it, it was really good. I won’t tell you further. It would not be good if we knew how its end. Can I be honest? It was the first time I cried hard because of a movie. So, please remind me if I got too deep chasing my dream, remind me if I started forgetting about you while I was busy chasing my dream, even though you were one of them. If you watched it already, tell me how you feel about it, I’ll be happy just to listen to it.

These past nights I started to think about so many things. It became my springboard to write this.  Plus, tomorrow is 4^th year since that day you said you wanted a break, kinda funny tho the way you did it. For me, break was a lot lighter than what happened today. I forgot how your face that day honestly. That’s funny yesterday I tried to remember your happy face, your expression when everything was fine, and I couldn’t remember your expression. It was blank. The only thing I remember was your tears at school park, I couldn’t even ask you why that day. Or even worse I forgot it today. So, can I ask you once more time,

“why?”

                I’m still trying to remember how you looked like when we were talking in a bench in front of my class, or sitting in front of your class and made those stupid faces when teachers were passing by. Remember the day we talked about commitment in a fast food restaurant? I tried to remember how your face but all I remember was a curtain and an air conditioner above my head. Damn. Did I look away too many times? Did I bow too often?

                Someone told me that you said I was a closed person to you. The first day I heard that I was a little bit mad to be honest. I was telling everyone about everything and then you said that. What was that for? I asked myself. Now, it’s been some time since she told me that and I just realized how closed person I was. I kept telling people things I wanted them to know, things I thought they wanted to hear and things to kept people around me cheered up. I realized I never said something to make me happy, I never said those things I really feel and those little things that were weighing me down. I remember that day I sent your score transcript to your home, asked your neighbor where your dad home was, stood in front of it for a while thinking what would I say to you and your parents and then, finally knocked your door.

“All I want is nothing more,
            to hear you knocking at my door”

            All I Want, Kodalline.

After that, I went home. I didn’t meet you and your mother that day. There was only your father. He was so warm. We took the same train. I didn’t make it to say sorry to bother him, canceling his class and made him bought expensive ticket as I was since there was no more ticket to your city available. He asked me if I already eat something or not, I said I have eaten something, bread. He was asking me about breakfast, rice. Did it make me a closed person?

                I always thought that I was a man running, looking for someone, a friend in a desert. I found you. It felt like a home in the middle of desert and then you said something that built fence around it. You left me locked there. It made you looked like the villain here, but I was the villain right from the start. It wasn’t you who left but I kicked you out. It was 28^th march, 2015 when I said I need a break. It was exam which I used as an excuse, right? Honestly it was my ego. Every time I saw you or just I knew you were there, it made me feel like I need to be better, forcing myself to be better was a pressure for me sometimes. I cheated on the exam it weighed me down, it doubled the pressure since you were so honest, something myself couldn’t reach that time. You were always better than me, you just didn’t realize it. You were always better than me right from the start.  That’s my ego. I wanted to light up the burden I felt, so I did it. Sorry I couldn’t be honest to you. So, did it make me a closed person? I always wonder how you saw that I was a closed person when I didn’t see it at all.

                Well, remember you gave me five asian movies you wanted me to watch? I still don’t know the reason you gave me that. Is there something you wanted to tell me? Or is just because you liked it? My fav so far was Heavenly Forest, maybe because the main character was a closed person too as I remember. A crazy little thing called love is more look like a girl film since the main story focused on the girl. Kimi No Todoke has a good story and character but that famous man main character was so far from me and once again main character was the girl. Sky of Love is the worst I guess, that guy -_-)p I don’t need to describe it.  Well, secret was my second fav, good storyline and the character played it good. I watched a movie yesterday, the title is “Tomorrow, I will date with yesterday’s you”. A japan movie about a couple which has counter-time-flow and how they face it. I thought you might like it since you gave me Secret. Well, that movie reminded me of you because you could see that I was a closed person when I didn’t even see it myself.

August 19^th, 2017 1:11AM

That’s funny how I wrote that much in a single day. “What if I asked to meet her?” this line crossed my mind tonight. I said we were always got closer when there was an event in school, did I?. I remember every time your friend told me that you wanted to come back or just talk and that was all I need as a springboard for me to meet or talk to you after long silence. But this time, there was no one between us. It was just us right now, or even worse it was just me. I tried to start so many times, talking about my days on facebook chat Oct 10^th 2015, Told you about how I skipped classes for a rest at Oct 16^th 2016, and some of those chat that were calling you out. It was replied with “seen” on facebook chat, “malah curhat” on line conversation, and some silences which I was trying to break. I didn’t stop. I always looking for a good time to start it. Maybe one day I’ll just make that good time happens. For today? Let me do something about myself. Even though sometimes later becomes never, somehow I still believe in where I am going. I remember you said that I wouldn't know even if you told me where your home was, but almost 2 years later, I found it, right? I even was there.

I made it there.